Candidates for the Wicker Man

Given the title it is all but a requirement to assemble a list of those who most deserve to be placed there.

After careful consideration the first choice pretty much has to be; Nicholas Cage and everyone involved in the Wicker Man remake. Perhaps a little harsh and certainly a little late but that’s no excuse. If it were merely a bad film, and make no mistake it’s terrible in almost every way, it would be a matter of indifference to me, indeed I may well have reveled in it’s demented ridiculousness (If you didn’t laugh when Nicolas Cage in a bear suit punched random evil woman #74 then your soul is tragically lacking in joy).

However it decided to take and besmirch the name of a quite outstanding film, I’d call the original a horror film but it isn’t really and indeed the fact it’s so hard to categorise merely increases it’s magnificence. It does of course go without saying the remake is in on way shape or form a horror film, unless one counts the existential horror of seeing the original so violated.

Rather than outline exactly why it’s so terrible I offer you this comparison, the penultament scene of each film before Edward is being dragged of to the Wicker Man;

Original;

Sergeant Howie: I believe in the life eternal, as promised to us by our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Lord Summerisle: That is good, for believing what you do, we confer upon you a rare gift, these days – a martyr’s death.

In that brief exchange you can get a feel for the entire film, the characters and the conflict between them.

Remake;

Edward Malus: OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY’RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!

I would say this sums up the film, but alas it lacks the rampant misogyny and doesn’t contain Cage beating up a woman so it’s doesn’t really do the remake justice. Not that the remake deserves justice of course.

So there you have it, a watertight case as to why Nicholas Cage has earned a place in the Wicker Man when the time comes.